Finding Peace

It has been such a wonderful day! I awoke this morning to a freezing bedroom filled with the warm rays from the rising sun. Jordan made me get up early today - to be there to support her as she spoke at the opening of Little League this morning - but I am so glad that I was able to enjoy such a beautiful day that God has given to us. After the event we came home and put in a movie. I don't usually watch movies at 10:30am, but we opened all the curtains, covered ourselves in blankets and began the movie. My computer was up and running, sitting on my lap awaiting me to use it for some upcoming assignments, and I have to say, I actually began working!

Today has actually been an odd, interesting, funfilled, peacefilled, relaxing day. Let me take you back a few weeks, and then you'll understand why today has been like it has. As I was reading my blog entries to my aunt last night, I began to see a theme as to me realizing I am blessed, but then continuing to say how overwhelemed I was. It's all true, but I apologize for the repetition in past emails! You see, about a month ago, I began having thoughts that took me back to my past. I was remembering things that I had so wanted to forget, and in order to "move on" I needed to talk with those particular people and try to find a way to close those chapters of my life. They were chapters of my life that were left opened, with maybe a hope of returning to. I needed truth and honesty, and although it was a big risk, I had to take it. There was a great fear within me, fear of being hurt and losing friends, but I needed to let some things go.

So I set out on a journey to talk to these people. The first person I talked to was so understanding and honest with me. The kind words that were spoken along with many reasons why our relationship is the way it is overpowered any negative thoughts I had about what could have happened. We are friends, and will remain friends. They have been a part of my life since the beginning of college, and had offered words of wisdom and joy ever since. I am so thankful for this person and I feel they now know it, and will continue to be there for me although a certain aspect of our relationship was closed.

The second person didn't communicate quite so readily! I had tried to talk to them over two weeks ago, but due to mass amounts of emails in their inbox and different time zones, it just didn't happen. This person is very dear to my heart and I was worried most about the reaction I would get and the harsh words that might be evoked. After waiting two weeks though, I was reminded this morning how great our God is. I was shown that being honest is always beneficial and although outcomes might not be exactly what we thought they would be, they are still a part of God's will for our lives.

This morning, that second person wrote to me. They were truthful and honest, they made me laugh, and also made me realize that things can still be good between us, even though we do lead such different lives. Since I received their email this morning, I have had a sense of peace. I have felt a huge relief in knowing that the two chapters of my life that I had left open have officially been closed, and I am more than ready to move on! I am so glad I took those risks!

I have felt for a number of years that I needed some closure but hadn't really gotten it, nor had I even asked. The above mentioned people didn't seem to need closure, but I needed questions answered as to why things were said and done the way they were, and I now know that this was the perfect timing. I finally had the guts to put things out there and see what happened. I feel as though great things are in my future, and from today on I don't have to look back and make any comparisons or feel like there was a need to go back to how things once were!

I know I am an amazing person and God has just the perfect people out there to bring into my life! He has shown that to me over and over. There is no sense in worrying, trying to figure things out, or speculating what could be. I go to bed tonight with a sense of peace that I pray will last for awhile. I've accomplished some school work today, mowed my backyard, hung up all my clothes and am ready to rest for the evening. I feel blessed to have the continued friendship of those mentioned above, and will remember that sometimes you just have to risk it all, even if you are fearful of the unknown. I know I won't let so many years go by with unanswered questions any longer.

Have a blessed evening.

Hesitation

I hestitate in writing anything too personal on here anymore - mainly because some of my friends were concerned, and as I rationalize the reason I do it, I fear that some people get the wrong ideas from what I write, so I will try and refrain from any confusing sentiments! Did you get all that? I don't really know what I wrote, other than saying I will try to keep my topics broad due to concern, on my behalf.

As my last post stated, I have been overwhelemed with every aspect of my life. I don't know how I got to this point, other than not making certain things priorities, but I have put myself here and it has come time to deal with it. Being gone for a week allowed me to really take a look at some things, and I have come back a changed woman - or so I think!

I've been re-inspired as far as my studies. Sunday morning in sunday school I asked for prayer for motivation - for a willingness to accomplish all that has been set before me. I needed prayer to find the strength to get things done - to remember why I was involved in the first place. My prayers were quickly answered Sunday afternoon. I sat down at the dreaded computer and actually felt inspired again. I had to dig deep to remind myself that "International Education" has been a passion of mine. Yeah, the degree is nice in that I get to travel and attend classes with people from all over the world, but the actual content is quite intriquing - I seem to have forgotten that in the list of deadlines and other activities that keep me busy with the rest of my life.

Not only have I found a new reason for motivation for school, but this morning, as I was occupying my duty station in the west parking lot I was reminded why I am here. An old student of mine, who also attends my church, decided to practice his witnessing skills on me at 7:30am! We've been following some steps in helping us find courage to go out and spread the word of God with others, and I have to admit, I haven't attempted the homework the past four weeks! I have the tools - I just haven't used them. So this morning, in the morning humidness of Bay City, I hear this "Miss Nauman, ...." He goes on to show me one of tools we have been taught - I was impressed. The great thing is, you can tell he's done it quite a few times! He truly gave me inspiration this morning. I often wonder where my passion went. I can look back and see how it began at the beginning of the school year - leading a DiscipleNow, sharing my testimony in both worship services, finally getting baptized after ten years....I was full of excitement and joy over what God was doing in my life - how quickly that feeling can fade.

I know I am blessed. I can go on and on about how God has blessed me, but after seeing my student this morning, I have to ask myself how that feeling can disappear? I think that's where I am tonight - wondering where my passion went. I care deeply about the different areas of church I am involved in - whether that is through singing, the women's ministry, or hosting the singles group. I try my best to be involved in school activities, showing up to concerts and deepening my knowledge of the subjects I teach. I enjoy the volunteer hours set before me for the service league I am a part, but I have to ask, have I spread myself too thin?

God has made a strong passion of mine very evident in recent days. Missions. It has come up in a variety of places from the church service I attended Wednesday night in North Carolina, to the youtube video I just happened across tonight. I don't know what it means - I struggle with knowing if I should set forth in that direction again, or maybe it is reminding me of my desire to adopt. I don't know. It's something that I will probably continue to struggle with.

There are so many questions I have circling in my mind right now, but I do know I am where I'm supposed to be. I have been blessed with a roommate who understands me (most of the time), friends (new and old) who I feel I can relate to and share things with, and a close family who has always been there for me, no matter my attitude! I have no clue what is instore for me, but with this new inspiration I have been given in recent days, I hope to accomplish all that God has set before me. I hope to let people know how important they are to me - and the impacts they have made in my life, and to share the love of God with everyone around me. If my student can do it - I know I can!

Overwhelmed

I often wonder how my life became so busy. As I look back over the past few years, I remember the long nights of grading papers, watching tv, and enjoying that spare time to read. I remember the many weekend roadtrips across this great state with occassional trips to California and New Jersey. Those were the days.

As I sit here in bed, for some reason avoiding turning the light out, I'm trying to take a moment to breathe. I need to rest, but I can't seem to remember how. If I stay still too long, my eyes will close and nothing will get done! I knew this year was going to be busy for me, but I didn't realize the toll my emotions would take. This past week has been one of the worst. For some reason I have been 'thinking' too much - overanalyzing, reliving parts of my past I wanted to forget, and trying to accomplish way too many things at once.

School (my job) is keeping me on edge, waiting for those lovely little TAKS scores to come in. School (my graduate program) is keeping me stressed to the max with deadline after deadline for both classes, offering me no motivation at all. I am involved in many aspects of my church as well as our singles group, and as much as I enjoy the time spent with everyone, it seems as though I have too much of a social life at times, or rather, I commit too much of the time needed for my studies to the aspect of 'socializing.'

I do know there is a light at the end of the tunnel...I just can't see it right now. I'm hoping it will get here soon. I don't know how much more I can handle! I can say that I am blessed. I am trying my best to cherish these moments that I do have - to enjoy the friends and family that surround me - to be thankful for all the opportunities I have been given. My life right now can be summed up in saying that I am truly "overwhelmed."

After a day full of church, laundry, cleaning, packing, writing, reading, and submitting assignments, I am thoroughly exhausted. And to think that this is only the beginning of my Spring Break Vacation! Tomorrow morning, I leave at 6am to pick up my Aunt KK at Hobby and head east to North Carolina. Mom, KK and I are going on one of our girl's road trips which I am excited about, but still overwhelemed with everything that needs to get done during the week!

I know this vacation is needed for me, and I am looking forward to the many hours on the road where I can hopefully sleep! I'm sure I will come back with great stories of my crazy family, but until then I will continue to pray for a sense of peace for myself. I hope that you never get to a point of pure exhaustion, where I am this evening. It isn't much fun at all!

Enjoy this coming week, and have a Happy St.Patrick's Day! I know I'll be wearing my green Irish T-shirt on Tuesday! I've also attached a song I like to listen to while I am working. I hope you enjoy it.

Time and Space to Grow

The days are passing by so quickly, and it is hard to believe that March is already here. With so much going on in my life, it is now a rare thing for me to take the time to sit down and write on my blog.

Due to my lack of motivation in working on some class assignments, I thought I would share an old email with you. As you've probably gathered from most of my blog entries, I am single :) and enjoying all that God has brought to me this year. Yes, there are those lonely days, but I try my best to not let it get me down. Since I stopped using eHarmony I've gotten many comments about how some of my blog readers miss hearing my stories, and although I got a good laugh out of it as well, I know it is what I needed to do. There are many more stories that I haven't posted, so if you want a good laugh, just ask!

So as I mentioned, I wanted to share an old email with you. I know it's dated because it was printed out from my hotmail account, which I closed almost ten years ago. An old high school friend sent it to me, and as I look at everyone else she sent it to, I find it quite ironic that I think I'm the only single one left in the bunch!

I think there are a lot of good points in it and even if you are not single, it will hopefully make you think!

"All your life, you had specific dreams about what your family life would be like when you finally married. You were so intent on what you wanted, you even made a list of qualities and characteristics you were looking for in a spouse, in a home, in your job, in your children. But time passed, and that person you were so intent on didn't come along.

All of your friends married, had children, had beautiful homes, and still you were single. You prayed and prayed for that person to come along, but nothing happened. You had a good job. You served in your church. You spent daily time with the Lord in prayer and studying the Word. You dedicated your life to serving God in every way possible, but still nothing.

So you decided to take matters into your own hands, and you began an active search for a mate. Within a short period, you met someone who almost fit the bill. Almost. Sure, there were a few things missing, a few rusty spots in that person's character, but, after all, no one is perfect.

Of course, your friends and your pastor tried to council you that you were making a poor choice and that you should wait for the Lord to send the right person. But that couldn't be right. You had waited for a long time. Maybe your goals were too high. Maybe you'd been asking for the impossible. Maybe this was the person God wanted for you so your character could grow through dealing with his or her failings. So you married. And your life went downhill from there. Even though it often seems that God is slow to answer prayers, no matter whether it's about a mate, or a job, our children, our finances, or antyhing else, we have to remember that God doesn't wear a watch. Nor does he look at our human calendars. He sees with eternal eyes. He operates on an eternal timetable, according to His plans and His schedule. If God seems to be running late, don't get impatient and run ahead of him. Wait for the Lord's timing in everything.

To the single folks out there, this is for you:
Single means you have the time to grow and be the person you want to be. Single gives you space to grow. Sometimes, it is harder to grow when you are too close to someone. Trees are planted far apart so they can spread their branches and become strong as they mature.

Single means learning to live by yourself. However, that is no more difficult than learning to live with somebody else. Single means freedom. You are free to spend a week's vacation on the beach, to take computer courses, to work late on an interesting project, or to spend the day in bed with a good book.

Single means learning not to need a man/woman to make your life meaningful, but learning to live with a man/woman because you want to be with him/her. Single means that sometimes you will wonder why you will bite your lip and feel wistful and wonder if marriage is better. Ironically, yet quite happily, single is feeling good about being in control of you life. It is liking and respecting who you are and why you are.

Single is realizing that being married is not necessarily better, it is merely different. Single means that there could be something wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it.

Single means you are free to love again. There are times when we are afraid of telling the person, whom we love or like, what we feel deep inside because we might just lose them. That's a big risk...I know, but hey....everything is. The way I see it is why keep something inside and then end up regretting it in the near future? But as I've said...everything is a big risk. So whatever you decide to do with your feelings...whether you tell it to that person or not...you have to be ready with the consequences that come after it and accept it.

Whatever decisions that you have made in life is part of your growing experience...part of life. Whatever decisions that you have to make will influence or affect your future. So think hard before deciding on certain things...and PRAY to God and HE will show you the way!"

I found this email to be quite interesting and a bit ironic that I found it today, while cleaning out some old boxes at my mom's house. God is sure speaking to me through many different avenues - I pray he is speaking to you.